I know all parents, at one time or another, have questioned themselves and wondered if we are doing all that we can do and all that we should do for our children. One of the first things I learned after Blaze was born was Mommy Guilt. I remember I used to feel guilty if he stayed at daycare one minute longer than he needed to and the guilt didn’t stop there. It has continued for the past 3 years and I wonder if it will ever go away. I think part of my struggle is that I set very high standards for not only myself, but for everybody. It is a blessing and a curse really. The other part of it is that Blaze does need more than the average child and often I wonder “am I doing enough for him?” There are so many therapy options and so many different approaches you can use to “treat” Autism and everywhere you turn someone tells you something different. You can literally go crazy if you follow the advice of every doctor, therapist, expert, out there. Alan and I made a decision a long time ago that we were not going to mindlessly follow the instructions of others and just do what we were told. We chose to Blaze our Path and follow our hearts and let the love we have for Blaze be our guide. I do not look back on that decision. Yet, at the same time, I always find myself wondering if I should be doing more?
So, last night I sat down and tried to do a therapy type activity with Blaze. We haven’t done this for a while so it was a struggled . It was not fun at all. Sure he did it …but at what cost? By doing stuff like that with him am I actually doing the right thing? Am I really helping him? He has so many people that work with him on a daily basis on these activities. But can any of them be what I am? I am his Mom. The person put on this planet to love him more than anyone ever can and in a way that nobody else can. In my Momma way. It was then that I started to realize that being a Mom is just like anything else in life… you have your strengths and weaknesses. This seems like common sense but I think we all start off as parents thinking we will be good at everything. I will tell you right now that being Blaze’s behavioral, speech or any other kind of therapist is not on my strength list. I can do it, but it truly is not the best fit for me. Maybe it should even go on my weakness list. There, I said it, it is a weakness for me. But I am not going to focus on that anymore and I am going to work on getting rid of some of this guilt because you know what? There are some things that I am damn good at when it comes to parenting. I am fabulous at loving Blaze, letting him know how much I love him, being proud of him, telling him I am proud of him and fighting for what he needs.
The more I thought about it…when you really get down to it we can’t be good at everything ( boy do I wish I could be) so it really is wasted effort to beat ourselves up over the things that we are not as good at. We can always work on improving in these areas but it is also key to remember God gave us all our gifts and he has it all mapped out how we are going to use them. Even though God didn’t give me the gift of being a therapist he did give lots of people in Blaze’s life that gift. I am so grateful for that. From here on out I am going to work on letting myself off the hook a bit. Blaze has so many people that are impacting his life in ways that I cannot and I just need to have faith. Faith that God loves Blaze as much as I do, or more, and he will make sure that it all works out just as it should.